


Guilt, Leadership, and Love

by orphan_account



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, set after Blood must have Blood part 1
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 12:12:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3487799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set right after "Blood must have Blood" Part 1. Clarke struggles to get her friends and Lexa struggles with her guilt. (Basically I just wrote something that could possibly save their relationship)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Guilt, leadership, and love

_My people are safe. My people are safe. My people are safe._ Lexa repeated the line over and over again. Drilling it into her dead. As the commander she knew she made the right decision. As commander she knew the loss of life due to battle would greatly outnumber the 44 lives she abandoned. As commander she knew her duty was to protect her people at all cost. As the commander she was rational and ruthless.

As Lexa she felt a great stabbing pain deep in her stomach. As Lexa her guilt threatened to make tears spill from her eyes. As Lexa she would never forget the look of betrayal on Clarke’s face.

As soon as the Commander and her army had arrived back at their base camp, Lexa had ordered medical treatment for the rescued grounders but then immediately retreated to her tent. Demanding no one disturb her, she viciously washed off the war paint. Scrubbing hard and feeling like she deserved the pain the rough clothe inflicted. She then put on a dark cloak, pulled the hood over her head, and slipped out of the tent. She avoided her guards by exiting the tent out the back and then crept through the woods until she found the tent where Lincoln was being held. No guard blocked her entry as she slipped through the front.

Lincoln was viciously struggling with the ropes around his wrists and ankles. His face a mixture of frustration and anger. Lexa tossed a sword which landed next to him. Lincoln’s head shot up at the sound and he turned and stared as Lexa.

“Free yourself. You’re coming with me.” Lexa said.

“You betrayed them. They trusted you and you left them to die.” Lincoln said with venom in his voice.

“My job is to protect my people. Our people. I could not allow the slaughter of battle if it could be avoided.” Lexa responded. Lexa felt her guilt arise again as she thought of the slaughter the sky people faced. She dug her nails into her hand to feel the pain she felt she deserved.

Lincoln had freed himself and advanced on Lexa. He towered over her as he said, “Clarke trusted you. You left her and Octavia there to die.”

Lexa glared up at him. She said, “You think I do not feel guilt? You think I wanted Clarke to hate me? My people are alive! Hundreds if not thousands would have died in a battle. I could not allow that to happen!” Lexa’s felt her nails break the skin and blood start flowing from her hand.

She paused before continuing, “I couldn’t ask my people to die for the 44. I couldn’t ask my people to die for Clarke. I however can risk my life how I choose. I am choosing to return to Mt Weather. I am choosing to attempt to help the sky people. I was hoping you could lead me through the reaper tunnels?”

Lincoln eyes flashed in surprise at his commander’s decision. He nodded and said, “Follow me” as he exited the tent and slipped into the forest. Lexa following quietly behind him.

 

 

Clarke’s heart was shattered. Her hope lost. Her faith abandoned.

Lexa had betrayed her.

Clarke looked on the huge solid metal door that blocked her path. Only 30 minutes ago an army had been ready to storm through it. Now Clark was its only adversary.

Grief overcame her as she thought of her friends trapped in the mountain. She felt tears stream down her face at the thought of her friends waiting to be tortured. Tortured as the Mountain men extracted their bone marrow. She thought of Bellamy and wondered if he was captured yet. It was only a matter of time now. Octavia would never forgive Clarke for trusting Lexa and getting her brother killed. _Octavia!_

Clarke sprinted into woods. Pushing her legs to her limit she ran toward the entrance of the reaper tunnels; desperately hoping Octavia had been her stubborn self and refused to retreat. Clarke was breathing hard by the time she reached the mine’s entrance. She started screaming Octavia’s name as she ran through the tunnels. She screamed Octavia’s name over and over as she ran through the tunnels desperately hoping she was correctly remembering the basic shape of Lincoln’s map.

As she turned a corner she heard someone shout her name. Clarke followed the voice around another bend until she found Octavia. She looked about as hopeless as Clarke felt.

“What happened Clarke? Why did we sound a retreat? Where is Lincoln?” Octavia asked.

“The commander made a deal. Her people are safe. Our people are still trapped inside the mountain. Lincoln disagreed with the commander’s decision and has been detained.” Clarke responded through gritted teeth. Clarke spared the details. She needed Octavia focused.

“That Bitch! You never should have trusted her Clarke! She’s left us here to die! First the missile and now……..”

Octavia’s shouting was interrupted when Clark said, “We can hate her later! Right now we need to save our friends. We need to get this door open. “

Octavia still felt anger welling up inside her. She wanted the Commander dead. She betrayed the alliance. She betrayed Clarke. She’d captured Lincoln. She deserved death. But Clarke was right. They could wallow in hatred later. Right now she needed to save her brother and her friends. They needed to open that door.

Octavia sighed before saying “I was trying to get the door open when I heard you shouting. The supplies is here in the back pack but I wasn’t getting very far.”

Clarke nodded and the girls began looking through the content of the back pack. Together they eventually got the door to open. They heard the click of the lock disengaging but left the door closed. Clarke pulled out her gun and offered a second gun to Octavia. Octavia hesitantly took it but also held a grounder knife in her left hand. They stood on either side of the doorway and braced themselves for whatever was on the other side. Octavia nodded to Clarke as she pulled the door open.

They saw no one as they entered a room which looked like a sort of laboratory. There were strange medal instruments sitting on a table next to large showers and a vented floor. Clarke thought it looked like a torture chamber.

“This must be where they make the reapers.” Octavia said.

Clarke grimaced at the thought but said, “Come on. We need to move.”

The two girls began wandering the halls. It seemed as if the lower levels of the mountain had been evacuated. Clarke felt herself get frustrated as she realized they had no clue where to go.

“Do we have a plan Clarke? This place is huge and we can’t just wonder around in here for hours.” Octavia said.

“We don’t know where to look to find our friends. We’re going to have to just search until we find something. But if you see a guard. Kill him. We need a radio and a key card for the upper levels.” Clarke responded.

Octavia nodded as they began searching another hallway. Around 30 minutes later they heard footsteps approaching from behind. Octavia and Clarke hid behind a doorway as the footsteps approached. Clarke waited until the guard was in her line of sight before pulling the trigger. The sound of the shot echoed through the corridors as the guard fell. Clarke knew the guard was dead. It had been a clean shot to the head. She approached him and took his key card and his radio.

“Clarke someone’s coming!” Octavia said. Clarke listened and heard shouting and loud footsteps coming toward them.

 _They must have heard the gunshot._ Clarke didn’t stop and berate herself for her carelessness. Rather she grabbed Octavia’s arm and ran.

The sprinted down the hallway. Hearing the footsteps get louder and closer. They reached the end of a corridor and tried to go through a door. The door wouldn’t open as the pushed and pushed. Clarke heard the approaching footsteps as she scrambled with the guard’s key card. But the door wouldn’t open. Clarke began pounding on the door in desperation and felt her heart sink as she heard the footsteps come to a stop.

Clarke turned to find two soldiers training guns on her and Octavia. Octavia had her gun pointed but Clarke’s gun was in her hand down by her side.

“Well. Well. It’s Clarke the Sky princess and the grounder bitch.” A soldier said before continuing, “I’d drop your weapons if I were you. If you don’t. I’ll kill your friends.” Just as he finished speaking two more soldiers rounded a corner. The new soldier’s had guns trained on Wick and a limping Raven. Clarke clenched her jaw as the situation just got worse and worse.

“Drop your weapons or your friends’ die.” the soldier said again. One soldier pressed his gun against Raven’s head. Raven didn’t seem notice as pain contoured her face.

“Drop them now.” The soldier growled as both the front two soldiers turned and also trained their guns on Raven and Wick.

Clarke glanced at Octavia and saw the same sense of hopelessness that she felt. Clark couldn’t let Raven and Wick die. She couldn’t cause more death. She felt a sense of defeat wash over her as she realized she had failed her friends once again. Clarke felt her sense of hopelessness strangle her as she admitted defeat to herself. Hope was gone. It was over. They had lost.

Just as Clarke looked backed up at the guard she heard someone shout, “Shoot Clarke!”

Just then an arrow tip emerged through the chest of one soldier while a knife found its way into the back of another. Clarke didn’t hesitate as she raised her gun and blew the brains out of the soldier closest to her. He fell as Clarke watched a knife come around the throat of the last remaining soldier. The knife slit his throat and Clarke watched as the last soldier died. His hands fumbled at the blood pouring from his throat as he collapsed. As he fell he revealed a line of sight which allowed Clarke to see his killer.

Lexa. Lexa stood and watched the soldier sink to the floor in a puddle of blood. Lexa then looked up and met Clarke’s eyes. Lexa’s gaze went from cold to apprehensive as they stared at each other.

Clarke didn’t notice Octavia rush at Lincoln. She didn’t notice Wick comforting Raven. She only saw Lexa. For a moment Clarke felt anger overcome her. She rushed at Lexa in fury. She grabbed the collar of Lexa’s shirt and shoved Lexa against a wall.

“You betrayed me.” Clark said with an icy voice. Her hands twisting in Lexa’s shirt collar and were still pressing her roughly against the wall.

“I couldn’t ask my people to die for you. Clarke.” Lexa responded in an even tone. Clarke didn’t respond. She just stared into Lexa’s eyes with a look of rage plain across her face. Lexa continued, “The commander can’t let her people die. The commander had to protect her people.”

“Well then why is the commander here now? Why didn’t she retreat back to the safety of her tent! Why isn’t she rejoicing in a victory she got at the price of betrayal?” Clarke shouted. Her hands still forcing Lexa against the wall and her face mere inches from Lexa’s.

“The commander isn’t here. Lexa is.” Lexa said softly. Her eyes pleading with Clarke to understand.

Clarke’s eyes softened as she realized Lexa’s situation. She saw the tortured look on Lexa’s face and understood the guilt Lexa felt. Lexa had saved her people at the cost of abandoning her allies. At the cost of losing Clarke. Clarke needed time to process. She needed time to think the situation through. This was not the time for that.

She released Lexa and said, “Well if the commander isn’t here then Lexa will be taking orders from me.”

Lexa nodded and opened her mouth to respond just as Octavia flew at her. Octavia was now the one shoving Lexa against a wall. Octavia pulled out a knife and held it at Lexa’s throat. Lexa didn’t flinch or fight back.

She just looked into Octavia’s cold eyes and said, “Do it. I won’t stop you.”

 

 


	2. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group continues their quest to save their friends. Clarke tries to focus on her mission. Lexa's guilt is still eating away at her.

A small trail of blood started to drip down Lexa’s neck as Octavia’s knife cut slightly through the skin. Lexa believed she deserved this. This was penance for her betrayal. Blood must have blood.

“I should kill you. You’re responsible for this. You were going to let us die!” Octavia said. Her knife going a little deeper into Lexa’s neck.

“Blood must have blood.” Lexa responded through gritted teeth. Part of Lexa wanted Octavia to follow through with her threat. Lexa wondered what it would be like to be inexistent. To not worry about weapons….battles…enemies….allies....wars…love. To not feel the weight of her responsibilities crushing her every second of every day. She wondered what it would feel like to be free.

“Octavia Stop!” Clark ordered. “Lexa is here to help. You two need to finish your battle of wills after this over.”

Octavia’s jaw clenched. She stared at her knife and the blood dripping down the commander’s neck. Octavia’s eyes flicked back up to Lexa’s face. A cold stare met her but a there was also something else. A challenge. As if Lexa was willing Octavia to find her strength and slit her throat.

Octavia quickly redrew her weapon and stepped away from Lexa. If the Commander wanted to die it would not be by Octavia’s hand.

“I’ll fight beside her for now. But I don’t trust her.” Octavia said coldly before walking back over to Lincoln.

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief and tried to refocus her brain. But for moment all she could think about was Lexa’s expression as Octavia threatened to kill her. Lexa looked resigned and almost apathetic. Like she didn’t care about death or even though she deserved it. Clarke glanced over at Lexa who was putting her hand to her neck and touching the knife wound. Clarke noticed something strange on Lexa’s hands.

She stepped toward her and took one of Lexa’s hands in her own. On Lexa’s palms were little crescent mooned shaped cuts. Some still had a little dried blood smeared around them. Clarke realized Lexa had inflicted them on herself. Lexa felt guilt and she wanted to feel pain to absolve it.

Clarke glanced up at Lexa and her eyes were met with a cold expression. Lexa’s eyes looked haunted and severe. Clarke gently squeezed Lexa’s hand but realized this was not the time or place to talk.

Clarke walked over to the dead guards and picked up their radios. She handed them to Wick and said, “Make all 5 of them be on the same channel and make sure Cage can’t hear us.” Wick did as he was told and then handed the radios back to Clarke.

“Wick you are going to get Raven somewhere safe and you are going to keep her there. You should get moving now before more guards show up.” Clarke said. Wick and Raven started moving after Clarke handed Raven a radio and gave Raven a quick hug.

Clerke turned to the others and started issuing orders. “The rest of us are going to split up. Octavia and Lincoln will go one way and Lexa and I will go another.” Clarke handed one radio to Lincoln and one to Octavia before continuing, “Try to find Bellamy! He has the most knowledge of this place and will know the best escape route.. Don’t show mercy on the guards and if you have the opportunity….kill cage.”

Octavia and Lincoln nodded before turning and running off down a hallway.

Now alone Clarke turned and faced Lexa. She didn’t allow herself time to think as she handed Lexa a radio and said, “Let’s move.”

 

Clarke and Lexa began exploring the labyrinth of corridors and hallways. When Clarke heard a footsteps approaching them she grabbed Lexa and pulled her into a doorway. A soldier soon jogged by and Clarke heard the words, “intruder” and “en route” come from the soldier as he ran by. A quick glance at Lexa told her she had heard the same thing. They slipped from the doorway and followed the soldier. They were sure to follow at a careful distance for fear of being detected.

They didn’t follow the guard long before he rounded a sharp turn and joined another soldier. Clarke and Lexa stayed out of sight behind the corner but crept close enough to hear the conversation.

“We’re outside the grounder containment room awaiting orders.” One soldier radioed.

“Forces are still scattered around bunker. Ten minutes until we can divert additional forces to you. Stand your ground but don’t enter the containment room. Armed members of the 44 are expected to be in there.” Someone radioed back.

Clarke glanced at Lexa and knew they were both thinking the same thing. Clarke whispered, “Three. Two. One. Now!” Lexa’s arrow went through the back of the first soldier while a bullet was lodged into the brain of the second. The soldier with an arrow in his back was still alive for a moment but Clarke put a bullet in his chest for good measure. Clarke stepped over the fallen bodies and started banging on the door the fallen soldiers had been guarding.

“Bellamy! Monty! Jasper! Someone open this door.” Clarke yelled as she struck her fist against it.

A moment later the door opened and Bellamy was behind it. His face conveying shock at the sight of his friend and the grounder commander. Clarke didn’t have time for explanations so she pushed past Bellamy and entered the room. Lexa followed her and shut and locked the door behind them. She gave a quick hug to her friends but then began to discuss business. A plan forming in her head.

She turned to Bellamy and handed him a radio saying, “Octavia and Lincoln are on the other line. Talk to them and guide them to this room. I need them here now,”

As Bellamy turned to do what she asked Clarke turned to the rest of her friends and said, “I need someone to bring me the two soldier uniforms from outside. Someone else grab their guns, radios, and other supplies.” Bellamy returned as Lexa slipped out to get the items Clarke requested.

“Octavia and Lincoln are a few minutes away. They are going to take an air vent short cut.” Bellamy said.

“Good.” Clarke turned to Jasper, “I need you to get everyone out. Octavia has noise makers to get through the tunnels but you shouldn’t need them. Find Wick and Raven and get everyone out. Bellamy will tell you the way just get everyone out!”

“Maya can’t go outside. I’m not leaving until she’s safe.” Jasper said.

Maya started to protest but Clarke didn’t have time for an argument. She interrupted saying, “Fine. You and Maya will help Octavia, Bellamy, and Lincoln”. Clarke turned to Monty and said, “Now it’s your job, Monty. Find Raven and Wick and get everyone out.” Monty nodded and took the radio Clarke offered.

Monty went and had a quick discussion with Bellamy about directions. A moment later Octavia and Lincoln entered through a vent. They brought with them more radios and guns from soldiers they encountered.

Soon Monty and the others had instructions, a radio, guns, and noise makers. As they left the room to go claim freedom Clarke felt a bit of relief flow through her. She pushed the emotion away and turned to the others.

Clarke began issuing orders again. “Bellamy already has a uniform but Lincoln, I need you and Jasper to put on the soldier uniforms and clean up your faces as well as you can. If one of the guard’s uniforms is too bloody you’ll need to acquire a new one.”

Clarke paused before continuing. “Maya and Octavia are going to play prisoner and you three are going to guard them. Take them up to where the others are being held and find a way out. If anyone questions you, kill them. Bellamy use the air vents to get as close to the room as you can without using main hallways. There will be guards when you get to the room but you should be able to take them. Just get them out.” Clarke ordered.

The boys put on the uniforms and caps while Octavia and Maya armed themselves with concealed knives and a gun in their waist band.

“What are you going to do Clarke?” Bellamy asked.

Clarke hesitated before answering and looked over at Lexa who was now in a corner being very quiet. Lexa had listened to the first part of Clarke’s plan and knew where this was going.

“Clarke and I are going to kill Cage.” Lexa said as she met Clarke’s eyes.

 

 

The room went silent. Everyone started talking at once.

“You won’t get near him……”

“That’s crazy Clarke…….

“There’s too many guards….”

Everyone kept talking until Lexa stepped into the middle of the room and said loudly, “We have a plan. The soldiers Clarke and I killed outside this room were sent here with instructions to reclaim this room. They had smoke bombs and tear gas on them. Cage has also spread his forces too thin. He’s vulnerable because of that. We just need Bellamy and Maya to give us a directions.”

Lexa’s voice was strong and everyone realized the futility of arguing with both Clarke and Lexa. It would be like fighting gravity or the ocean tide. Bellamy told them how to get to the control room and Jasper gave them a quick rundown of how to use the bombs.

Clarke hugged her friends one last time before the group split and headed toward their fate.

 

Clarke and Lexa slowly made their way through the ventilation shafts. Each girl willing themselves to focus on the task at hand. Neither entertained the possibility of failure. According to Bellamy one of the shafts linked directly with the control room. The same room where Cage and his officers strategized and made plans in.

After 30 minutes of slow progress they made it to the control room. Clarke and Lexa listened as Cage talked with his officers. The information they over heard was mostly trivial and irrelevant to their current situation.

Until they heard, “The team is 5 minutes from being in position to attack the group of from the ark. They await your order Sir.”

It was now or never. They needed Cage dead before he ordered that attack. The two girls quickly found a way out of the ventilation shaft and crept into the hallway. Cage had scattered his forces so completely that he only had one guard stationed outside the control room.

Lexa crept up and took out an arrow before turning the corner and shooting the guard. Before he hit the floor another arrow flew into him ensuring a quiet death. Clarke took out one of the smoke bombs and readied it. It was now or never. Once she threw that smoke bomb all hell would break loose. Clarke looked up at Lexa and their eyes met.

Lexa’s eyes held guilt, grief, and tiny hint of fear. Lexa bit down on her lower lip and said softly, “Clarke… I want you to know…I… I’m sorry. I want you to know that I……”

Clarke choked back her emotion and interrupted her saying, “You aren’t getting out of it that easy Lexa. You and I……we are going to have a long talk about this when this is over. We’ll fight and we’ll argue but I promise we’ll make it through this.” Lexa bit her lip, nodded, and then gave Clarke a small smile.

Clarke quietly opened the door and threw the smoke bomb inside. They braced the door with their bodies as chaos irrupted inside the room. They waited 30 seconds then entered the room. Gun and bow raised.

The gas still slightly stung Clarke’s eyes but she quickly made out two figures choking and clutching at their eyes and mouths. She didn’t think as she pulled the trigger twice. Clark heard gun fire as another figure wearing gas mask jumped up from behind a large control panel. He fired wildly and Clarke felt a searing pain in her arm as bullet invaded her flesh. She ignored another slight pain on her side as she fired at the masked figured.

Clarke looked over and saw two soldiers lying on the ground with arrows sticking out from their bodies.

“Drop the gun Clarke.”

Clarke turned and saw Cage. A gas mask covered his face but she just knew it was him. He was holding a gun to Lexa’s head and had his other arm wrapped around Lexa’s throat.

Clarke looked at Lexa and for the first time Lexa looked haggard and helpless. Blood was seeping through her shirt from a bullet wound on her shoulder. A small wound was also causing blood to run down her thigh where it looked like a bullet just grazed her. She looked helplessly at Clarke with a face gritted in pain.

“Drop it Clarke.” Cage said through his gas mask.

“Don’t do it Clarke.” Lexa said through gritted teeth.

“Drop it.” Cage repeated.

Clarke knew she couldn’t drop the gun. Cage wouldn’t hesitate to kill them both. As long as Clarke’s gun was pointed on Cage it meant he can’t shoot Lexa. He’d be dead before Lexa’s body hit the ground. Clarke’s bullet lodged in his brain. Cage would do anything to avoid death.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Clarke responded.

“Very well.” Cage pulled Lexa with him as he slowly walked backward. One arm was still around Lexa’s neck with the other arm holding a gun to Lexa’s head. He continued, “Commander Lexa there is a button slightly behind me to the right. I’d appreciated it if you would hit it for me.”

Lexa reached her hand out behind her and blindly felt for the button. She pushed it and a metal door slide open to reveal an elevator.

“Most people think these elevators have been broken for 50 years. My father and I know better.” Cage said. Clarke watched helplessly as Cage dragged Lexa into the corner of the elevator. Lexa’s face still contorting in pain as his arm tightened around her neck. Clarke took a step closer but she couldn’t risk the shot. Cage was too close to Lexa. Clarke couldn’t risk it.

“Now Commander if you would please press the button to your right.” Cage said.

“Lexa don’t! He’ll kill you!” Clarke cried.

Lexa felt pain permeate out from her shoulder. Spreading through her body like liquid fire. She felt Cage’s arm wrapped tight around throat. Pressing against the wound Octavia already inflicted. She felt the guilt of betraying Clarke. The guilt of leaving the sky people to be tortured and killed.

It all hurt.

Pain. So much pain.                                                                                              

But Lexa would burn herself alive if it meant Clarke could live. Clarke needed to run. She needed to forget Lexa and save herself. Lexa didn’t deserve her loyalty.

Lexa looked at Clarke. Clarke’s hands were shaking. Her gaze hard and a little uncertain. A bit of blood was seaming through her shirt at her side and one arm looked like it had taken a bullet. Clarke was battered, bruised, and bloody. Lexa thought she looked like a warrior goddess. Deadly and beautiful.

Lexa thought about that kiss they shared but hours ago. The exquisite pleasure of Clarke kissing her back. The taste of Clark’s lips as they moved against hers. Clarke was beautiful. Clarke was caring. Clarke was strong. Clarke deserved life.

“Run Clarke.” Lexa whispered as her hand rose and pressed the button.

Clarke screamed in horror as the metal doors slide shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter works ok. I feel like its a lot of plot in a small amount of time. 
> 
> Anyways sorry for the grammar mistakes and thanks for the feedback.
> 
> Oh and you can find me on tumblr under the name Mary-Anne O'Malley

**Author's Note:**

> Ok that episode fucked with my mind. I'm simultaneously pissed/impressed with the writers but I'm going to reserve judgement until after the finale. But I really hope they don't let Clexa die.
> 
> Anyways this story line is one way I could see their relationship working out. Sorry for the grammar mistakes and please feel free to comment.


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